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Gledwood's Drug Confessions: A Heroin Addict's Blog
Monday, 15 January 2007
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: With more caution than I did back then...
Topic: Drugs


Okay well VERY briefly (bc to post this up as a proper story I have to properly think it through so's not to miss bits out) I knew the local junkies pretty well for a year or two before this happened. So I'd done crack with them etc. People had scored gear for me b4. No-one really knew whether I did or didn't have a habit, though I didn't realize this at the time.

I had £5 on me. The others had £15 between 2 of them. So I went back to a flat on a horrible housing estate with which is most famous for some riots a few years ago. I chipped in my £5 so we could get a £20 bag between 3.

They cooked up the gear. I had mine last. While waiting, not being used to handling a syringe I accidentally squirted a tiny bit out the end. Looking back I wonder whether this little bit was the difference between life and death...

1st guy took his. A big Irishman. He took £7 worth and ended up on the floor, crouched down "gauwching" out. (Nodding out unconscious.) I remember thinking "that's really good gear". Held out my arm, injection went straight in the mainline. I vaguely remember mumbling aloud confirmation of what I'd just thought: "That's really good gear" I remember it felt strong. Immediately I faded away. Literally next thing I remember is waking up under a striplight next afternoon. I had been asking What's wrong? What's happened in a dream, I do remember that. And being told (a little bluntly) you overdosed on heroin. I kept getting off the trolley looking for my bag. My bag was not with me. It had London A-Z (vital+it had all my friends' addresses in), addressbook etc etc and I felt literally lost without these 2 things. And you know how obsessive you can get on a high. Have you ever spent hours doing something half aware? High as a kite? That's what I was doing then.

They had given me narcan or naloxone (aren't they the same thing?) to bring me round but still I didn't wake up till next afternoon. They kept me in that night as well because of my breathing (aparently I'd totally stopped). I was covered in sensors...

I was very upset about this afterwards because despite having spent years depressed & having suicidal feelings now I'd come point blank to death not even trying— it messed me up BADLY in my head for quite a few weeks...

That's the crux of it... Oh and by the way when I was in hospital my "friends" robbed me (or more technically, my bank) by stealing and fraudulently signing against my card. I couldn't prove exactly who had done it. And anyway I got all the lost £200 back. But that's the kind of "friends" those people were.

So there you have it...

Posted by gledwood at 8:49 PM GMT

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 12:07 AM GMT

Name: "IVY"
Home Page:



PS. See below I left you a comment it got drowed among your many comments on the SECOND page. Who EVER clicks on the SECOND page?dfbdfgdfgdfgzgfddfdfgfdgfdgdfg fg dfg fdg gdfm lkfgdmldfk tuues day  teougnd llfnbgdjf teflon drink yarn  

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 12:55 AM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page:

Teflon drink yarn? I'll have to try that sometime...

What happened was, I was in hospital for 2 days.

I knew I'd lost my bag, but wasn't even THINKING about my cards. I used to keep them in a Young Person's Railcard wallet - like a creditcard only wallet. BC no money was in there I wasn't too bothered at the time.

After the OD I was totally out of it probably more "mentally" than "pharmacologically" for a week. I was very upset and nothing was very real to me. My friend kept giving me speed, cyder & (eventually) heroin. Well so it was both pharmapsychologically mélanged (teflonically).

OK OK anyway about 2-3 days after I'm out of hospital I get a letter from the bank's FRAUD DIVISION.


I did and told them I must have left said card on a bus. I was very ill with gastric flu and had been in bed for 3 days so didn't even realize it was missing. (As I said, bc I didn't leave any cash, had spent my last £5er nearly killing myself, lost card didn't seem priority.)

What had happened (reading between the lines) was whoever took it (I still don't know who bc there were about 6 people in that flat) used it about 5 times in supermarkets until eventually either their behaviour or "abnormal usage" security messed this nice little earner up for them...

So I got the whole lot back about £230.

I was so disoriented this never even struck me as strange.

I do remember having no money, begging on the street for it. I looked a state with a black eye where someone had tried to slap me awake. I got loads of cash because I was so young and innocent then.

If someone leaves me a message say under a post I did 2 months ago I get an email telling me. Sorry I thought everyone did...

Take care m'dear

Gleds xx

PS You are in Seattle? That is Pacific Time? Since using this internet a lot I'm more aware most people in the (English-speaking) world are 5-8 hrs behind London. If I post something in our morning usually no-one replies till your midday type time. I'm trying to set up a special sitemeter which has a beautiful world map with blobs etc... it's not neocounter it's someone else is kindly setting it all up for me. I just had a yummy dinner 2nite and the mouse was snacking on dry southern fried chicken bones he loves that. The old one used to climb up the bars begging for some when I bought fried chicken in. That was a Campbells Condensed (Siberian) hamster. He used to roll about on the ground because they take a dust bath in the wild. Had beautiful thick fur & furry souls on his feet. He was built for the cold big time.

I'm so knackered I gotta go it's 1am. See yer later darlin'

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 1:55 AM GMT

Name: "Glledwood"
Home Page:


Duh! I see what you mean about the second page now. I thought you meant something I'd done on YOUR comments...


Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 5:00 AM GMT

Name: "IVY"
Home Page:

begging on the street for money.. something i've never done but at points was like "wow if this teacher from this college walked by and saw me as one of them.." cuz a couple times some people who i knew from the administration office would walk by and see me with REALLY sketch obvious homeless junkies one time fumbling with a wallet out lol and they gave me the "eye." at my old school i was looked at as a fcking prodigy on a fully scholarship somebody who would go places. But then I fell in love with my composition instructor and he fucked me then left me for his fiancé i gorged on opiates as the only way to numb myself so i wouldnt be tempted to contact him in any way. i fucked several boys that summer sometimes i'd get really drunk and take ten vicodin (by the way that is four grams of acetamenaphin and a lot of alcohol.. EEK!) and have sex with a close boy-friend who had no idea that i was that out of it. The reasno I dont talk about any of this in my blog I only sort of infer this sort of stuff is because I wrote AN ENTIRE BOOK. It is the best writing I have ever done. I need to try and publish it someday. I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THIS BOOK. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME... Anyway sorry i dont know what set me off on this rant. Oh yeah you talking about being young and innocent and beggining for money in the streets. Holy ... Never know what will set you off huh. 

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 7:30 PM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page:

Books: yeah you want to be really careful "publishing" anything on the www 1st because publishers would tend to be looking for 1st publication rights... I'm no expert on this but I wrote a book also. It is all in blinkin' handwriting... a real chore... what can I say about that... it was a novel about junkies I've never seen a realistic one let alone a good one...

I noticed you listed Wurzel in your profile. If you can get it promoted like her's. Well hers was a big seller... You want to contact a good lit agent 1st (not a publisher). That's about the sum of my publishing knowledge...

... young and innocent. I don't feel innocent any more. I get looked on as naïve occasionally, I love playing that part especially if someone's looking down at me.

If I'd have had access to opiates when I was late teens early 20s (which I didn't, mostly) I shudder to think of what would have become of me I was REALLY impressionable like you wouldn't believe. Also I was so depressed sometimes I couldn't look people in the eye/social death. I did make friends but to this day I don't know what on earth they saw in me. ... I notice people don't always like it when you get better and get assertive...

...erm this has tailed off into a corner. I gotta go I gotta EAT. See ya!


Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 8:12 PM GMT

Name: "anonymous"

Yeah I know all that.. But you practically have to have an agent to FIND an agent 

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 9:21 PM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page:

Too true... like you need money to make money...

Try writing a covering letter enclosing three sample chapters and an outline... or do I sound like the writers' guide now...?...

Look I can hardly preach on howta gettin print. Cause I ain't innit, ammI? Well gledder-me-glod. Sod-sod.





Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 10:41 PM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page:

Hi Ivy: I've just found the bit in yours where you made up that huge lotta mailouts to agents... right I understand your jadedness now.

One thing about 1. writing 2. acting 3. music (all 3 revolve around agents/big breaks/big hits: people say they don't (people who aren't top 10 successful, but let's face it they DO). I used to live in a house full of creative people. We had 2 actors at one point. 1 got work, the other was kidding herself a little bit though she did have some talent (not much dramatic range- well not that I saw). They sent out ENDLESS mailouts of the 6"x9" or whatever it is, the standard actor's photo with CV. I never realized quite how hard it was (don't know about "cut-throat", though). Also I've known and I'm sure you have loads of good & great musicians & people with beautiful voices & people with record deals... None of them are famous. One makes half a living from music. It's REALLY HARD. Ditto with writing. You gotta be ruthless. Not with people but with your time, ambition, sticktoitiveness that's what I've heard successful folks say over and over.

Sorry I feel I want to say something but I'm not exactly an icon of success myself, am I??

Thought I'd better leave this here as it fits in with the "flow".

Be lucky now!


Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - 2:17 AM GMT

Name: "Ivy"
Home Page:

Thanks! Boy do I wish I could hang out and talk, Im liking these blog interactions. They feel more whole than other interactions cuz You understand both about the drug usage And about the other aspects too. I either have

 1) clean clean friends who have never tried a thing in their lives, and we talk about schoolwork and life and whatever.. I dont mention that i still have a habit or go to a clinic or 

2) the clinic friends who do methadone.. and not much else, nothing else in a lot of cases. For instance Treesha AND her mother are on the program.. That was why it was doubly hard to deal with her cuz three family members would be "backin" her up. these guys they get their dose.. hang around the clinic neighborhood all morning...  then go downtown until 6... then go home and then sleep for a long time.. then repeat.. everyday. 

It seems like everybody in my life is either "real innocent" or "real unproductive but understands about being a junkie." my best friend brenden was just like me.. a junkie who got ME into junk but also REALLY into music and school and doing stuff. But.. he fucked me over and we havent completely recooperated the friendship. There are a few that know the whole story but.. 75% chance tend to be the most troubled complex of people. 

Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - 6:30 PM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page:

Hi Ivy I'm trying to set up a new blog on junkylife: it's kinda finished but the guy "bi11i" promised me to install a counter. You click on it and it gives not only visitor numbers but a lovely world map and stats of who's from where, a big pie chart of where your blog visitors are from. That is the only sort of "traffic" stats that interest me (not the "how many 0.000001s of a second the average visitor took to break wind between clicks) I know loads of people tiptoe across my blog & yours incidentally without saying hello, I totally agree with you what you said on p1 of yours, people who won't even say hello though they're maybe there every other day—like just saying hello is so badly going to hurt them.

As for your friends categories I ended up with 3.

1. Real friends, share interests feel totally comfortable with private jokes all that-- but they didn't like drugs at all. OK 2 out of us plus me made 3 of a group of what? 9 that had done mushrooms (1 of us used to pick LOADS of mushies so we had them all year whenever we wanted them... but some people 2 scared 2 try a chemical like E-- a shame.

2. Clubbing friends: I used to go out every weekend for 2 years in London. To the sort of clubs that are either hardhouse or "trance". Trance means loads of things to ppl what I mean is clubs like a festival but no guitar music. Just fantastic dance music. Pixie rooms. Chai stalls. Fluoro stalls (I used to make beads & sell 'em on someone else's stall). Brilliant chillout areas (better in some ways than the club). All Hindu-Buddhist iconography (Return to the Source) or Celtic Mythology (Pendragon) Pendragon was the name of the nite 1ce a month fantastic. I never saw most of these ppl for long outside the clubbing/afterparty/after @ someone's house scene. Spoke on fone rather than travel miles on weekday when everyone tired/working. I realized a lot of us used to go clubbing alone (ie turn up alone) knowing everyone would be inside, it saved messing around meeting in pubs before. Am I going on a tangent? Met some dead interesting ppl there but only 2 or 3 did I strike up a real friendship with spending lots of time in their house etc they were really cool ppl

3. Street junkies. At the time they WERE street junkies-- like what you wrote about being seen with ppl. I used to buy used travelcards off them. Basically it used to be a 1-day London travelcard cost about £4 then, at 6pm you could sit on tube stn steps asking ppl for their used cards, then sell them for £1.50 or £2 for B money. I got talking to these ppl a lot b4 I ended up finally on the B 24-7. They were not all braindead like some seem more 2b now. I found the old crowd who were "crusties" ie a few years earlier they'd lived in mobile huge trailers/old buses driven around annoying police, set up "site". Dogs on strings, smouldering campfires, dredlocked ppl in army trousers& baggy wooly jumpers smoking spindly rollup cigarettes... face piercings they were that type ppl. Most of them are dead now. Now I only know shoplifters, prostitutes, chancers. They tend to look down on me more bc I didn't want to play the in-&-out of prison game I would rather ask for money than steal it. I did meet 2 heroin intellectuals though. I agree they are rarity. Both are now clean on Subutex (buprenorphine).

I've never been able to keep 1 group of friends even though was in different cliques (not deliberately, but looking back yeah bit cliquey with private jokes &all that. I mean a LOT of private jokes/language among a few of us not like is normal obviously in 1-2-1 relationship. Of course you always get ppl who span 2 or more categories or don't fit in the box but the boxes are there like clichés bc they're TRUE. My sympathy, I know how you feel!!

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