Mood:
a-okNow Playing: Serenely
Topic: Serenity
One Man’s Turning Point…
LIVING ON THE NORTH SHORE made it easy to stay out of trouble. There weren’t many police in that area. I stayed loaded, my wife left and I knew that I would never stay clean again. One time I ran out of dope and I shot several hundred milligrams of caffeine tablets and went into shakes for hours. I seemed to be so desperate to die. Although I never woke up in the gutter or on skid row, I woke up on the beach, under a palm tree, with my face in the sand. The feelings were the same, skid row is in the mind.
I really feel that it doesn’t matter what or how much we use, where we live or how much money we have, it’s what is going on inside that counts. For me, I knew I was dying but still couldn’t stop. I’d given up on NA, everyone I knew in the programme had left. My sponsor and a group of clean addicts were in Europe and one of the clean addicts was living on another island and would call every so often to see if I was still alive.
On the morning of October 20, 1971, I woke up with dope in the house and for some reason I walked out to the beach and didn’t get loaded the moment I opened my eyes. I remember it was a grey, overcast day and I was feeling hopeless. I just sat on the beach crying, just wanting to die; I couldn’t go on. A feeling went through me that I never experienced before in my life. I felt warm and peaceful inside. A voice said, “It’s over, you never have to use again.” I felt a peace I had never felt before.
I returned to the house, packed some stuff and headed for the airport. I was going to the island of Maui, where my clean friend was. My recovery started with miracles. I had no money, yet I was led to the right places at the right times and I got to Maui. I walked in and told him that I was ready to go to any lengths to stay clean. Staying clean today goes a long way beyond not taking that first fix, pill or drink; it is a way of life, a life that I call an adventure.
From “Mid-Pacific Serenity”, pp213-218, Narcotics Anonymous “Blue Book”. ©1988 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc., Van Nuys, California, USA.
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