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Gledwood's Drug Confessions: A Heroin Addict's Blog
Tuesday, 16 January 2007
Am I Ever Going to Get Clearn?
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Everybody Hurts
Topic: Drugs

AM I EVER GOING TO GET CLEAN? Good question.

I somehow have this feeling my blog has become junkier & junkier these past few days. Dunno how; it's just a feeling.

Heroin has had me in its grip full-time since the last week in January, 2001. (Though I'd had a baby habit the year before.) I remember that date precisely. Because that is when my ex-ex flew back from India (we had to take separate flights: long story). I did my few days without her clean, though I certainly knew where to score. As soon as she came back: WHAM!! Back onnit.

Fighting a battle with heroin is fighting a battle with yourself. (I was going to put "like fighting with yourself"; but there's no "like" about it.) Heroin hooks its claws into its slaves well and truly. It is pharmacological superglue, bonding the average user for 14 years. It hijacks brain and body, forcing you to do its bidding. Of course, as a responsible adult, you answer for all you do. And there's the rub...

How can anyone fight a war on both sides? Good question. It's one drug counsellors ought to ask themselves a little bit more before they start playing their usual stuck-record loops. Because that's the situation opiate addicts are in. You love the very stuff that's destroying you.

Some people eventually get bored of heroin. Others, to coin a phrase heard many times at NA, "get sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Others stop because they simply can't go on.

I heard a story of a friend of a friend just turning down free gear brought in for him in hospital. He'd just lost a leg to it. He wasn't interested any more.

I know three people who've lost legs to heroin. (All, as far as I know, due to femoral injecting (in the "groin").)

Where I fit into all this, I just don't know.

If anyone out there is clean and can tell me how they did it, I'd most certainly like to hear from you.

 


Posted by gledwood at 9:24 PM GMT
Updated: Tuesday, 16 January 2007 9:53 PM GMT

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - 11:49 PM GMT

Name: "S.Taet"

METHADONE:Because of it I am free of the opiates and Herion that had me tied to the whipping post,I felt like I was dieing, and I am sure I would have, if not for Methadone Maintenence.

Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - 12:35 AM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page: http://gledwood.tripod.com/blog

Thanks for that. I'm on methadone... don't know if the dose is right... don't really want more bc I'm using on top... I've been told I'm "needle happy"/needle fixation (MORE THAN ONCE)...

Anyone else?

Also I was interested (without being TOO personal) on why?? What was the deciding factor??

Thanks

Gleds

Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - 1:33 AM GMT

Name: "Ivy"
Home Page: http://nostoppingplace.blogspot.com

It is very fitting to call using heroin fighting with yourself. 

But loving the stuff that destroys you.. I dont know. It's not the actual chemical that destroys you. It's the search to get it all the time. once we've attained that perfect bliss falling back into reality is terrible, incomparable even. it's like we're allowed a taste of heaven but only if it's interspersed with hell. 


S. Taet. - How has methadone saved you? It saves me from withdrawal, but sometimes I feel like I'm on prozac or something. Draw a flat grey line... 

Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - 5:09 PM GMT

Name: "Gledwood"
Home Page: http://gledwood.tripod.com/blog

I don't know which way I'm more brainwashed: by drugs; by society— or by myself.

Thursday, 18 January 2007 - 10:40 PM GMT

Name: "Elsie"
Home Page: http://ezi-gifts-galore.blogspot.com

Hey hey,

Hang in there, please???

Although I have not left any comments in the past week, I am thinking of you.

Take care of yourself 

 

Wednesday, 7 February 2007 - 9:07 PM GMT

Name: "e."

hello,

I have read all of 6 lines of your story and I am oh so familiar with you and it already. I have been clean since December 1 2006, tried to score yesterday for no reason since I am on 80mgs of "Done" (haha the irony)... I  don't have any breakthrough adivce for you except I found I can think of things other than H now. Where as before it saturated every thought/action/motive for years. That is something I never thought was possible again. It is enough to keep me going I guess. I am wishing you all the strength you will need... It can be done. I do understand the "why should I kick anyway", you may never have a good enough answer, but all the little things you used to do/love/hate/want/need will be worth getting clean. Be well and hit me back if you want to know more how I have delt, or to tell me to "fuck off"... 

Monday, 26 March 2007 - 10:33 AM BST

Name: "heroin addiction"

Gledwood, I find your site so interesting. Yeah, you are right that fighting a battle with heroin is like battling with your own self. But I think, if you have reached the end of yourself, the battle ends. It's like being determined not to take heroin again and start undergoing certain treatments. From there, heroin addiction gradually leaves you.

--georgia

Monday, 26 March 2007 - 10:51 AM BST

Name: "heroin addiction"

Gledwood, I find your site so interesting. Yeah, you are right that fighting a battle with heroin is like battling with your own self. But I think, if you have reached the end of yourself, the battle ends. It's like being determined not to take heroin again and start undergoing certain treatments. From there, heroin addiction gradually leaves you.

--georgia

Tuesday, 3 July 2007 - 1:45 AM BST

Name: "GR Klein"
Home Page: http://themeeningoflife.blogspot.com/

Hi,

 I have been reading your blog and thought I might make contact.

I was a heroin addict for about 4 years and going to jail was the finally straw for me.

You can read my story at my blog listed below

 http://themeeningoflife.blogspot.com/

 Dont give up hope, there is a way out

 

REgards

 

GR Klein

 

Saturday, 15 September 2007 - 2:05 AM BST

Name: "niki"

where do u live? Looking for the scene in cali, call me if u live in california near LAoranything 480 734 6927

Monday, 1 October 2007 - 2:44 AM BST

Name: "joeline"
Home Page: http://myspace/xjoelinex

i was an addict for 2 1/2 years in new jersey. i went to rehab 3 times in 4 months and it was just a fuckin joke since all i did was meet new addict friends, get new dealer connections and learn about new ways to do money scams. went on suboxone (opiate blocker) which actually helped alot and took away withdrawl feelings so i wasn't constantly sleepless and pissed off. the only problem with taking suboxone is that i could opt not to take it, sell the pills to other friends and use the money to get high again.

i think the problem was i loved the lifestlye, the excitement, the rush of ripping people off and stealing everything that wasn't nailed down. i loved all my junkie friends and i loved that feeling you get when you wake up, gear up and start your day.

now im 2.3 years clean. i had to moved away from everything i knew in order to save my life. hahaha i moved to australia and i dont have a clue where to get it from over here and that rules! most of my friends now have only ever smoked pot as opposed to every substance available on each st corner in jersey. i keep my old life a secret, i feel like an undercover agent sometimes but my new life is pretty cool. i have a job and an appartment and my money goes to me, not asshole dealers.  its nice.

 

xoxo  joeline

Wednesday, 17 September 2008 - 5:41 AM BST

Name: "Shayna K."

I went into a rehab facility and detoxed. It was absolutely awful. I started going back to NA meetings, got a sponsor, started working steps and taking suggestions, and my life is better today. I know exactly how you feel about fighting a war on both sides. I loved the drugs all the way til the end. My car was seized by the state, I was involuntarily commited to the hospital twice in one week, I went to jail that same week, wrecked someone elses car, and made a complete ass out of my self at an ex's house, and I wanted the drugs more than ever.

Now, I can't imagine ever wanting to go back to how I was living. It was like I had a huge hole in my gut and nothing made it better except oblivion, and that only worked for a few hours. My life is good today. I'm in a position where I can help people who want to get clean, and that experiece alone is more than I could have ever asked for.

My email address is until_herheartstops@hotmail.com feel free to email me anytime you want to talk. You'll be helping me to stay clean. One addict helping another is without parallel.

Shayna

Tuesday, 25 November 2008 - 3:33 AM GMT

Name: "lovelock87"

I don't know if I'm doing this right, never blogged before. I noticed you said you and your girlfriend were on it together. I'm on it, as is my fella and we've only been using everyday for about a year, but I really want out, more so than he does. I'm so scared that the only way I'll ever stop is if I leave him. I love him so much though. But I can't see him stopping as easily as me, and if he doesn't stop I'll find it much harder. HELP! anyone I can talk to?

Thursday, 9 April 2009 - 4:08 PM BST

Name: "Layla"

I just randomely read your post. You and I have a very similar situation.

I don't know what to do with my guy either. He lost his job, but I have mine (working for his MOM, no less). He is constantly prodding me to buy dope and promising to pay back. I don't even want to sometimes until he tells me how great it would be to have some dope, broken record style.

 Maybe I am weak. Or afraid to be alone. But I love him.

 Tell me what 's new with you.

Friday, 24 April 2009 - 5:34 PM BST

Name: "fredd"
Home Page: http://no page

try methadone i did or find cheaper opiate oxicontin , hydromorphe ...

Sunday, 3 May 2009 - 2:32 AM BST

Name: "Richard Hill aka Brad Exford"
Home Page: http://junkiesvoice.blogspot.com/

OK, well here I am. I've just come across your blog as  heroin is a subject very near to my heart. You might want to read my blog for some insight - things I wrote many years ago and have posted recently. 

Anyway, in a nutshell, I was a heroin addicts for 6 years and have now been clean for nearly 11 except for a few lines about 8 years ago. If I was offered heroin now I hope I'd say no but the truth is I don't know until I'm in that situation where it's in front of me - my strategy is just don't get into that situation! I don't associate with smackheads.

By the way, when I say 'clean' - what I actually mean is I'm a social drinker, smoker, and have been known to do pills if I'm going out clubbing though haven't for a while as I'm a bit past it. If clean is meant to be completely substance-free no coffee or ciggies or anything then sod that. I'll just go find God now then shall I? I'll tell you what, why not just amputate both my arms at the elbow to deny me any pleasure in life!

So....how did I do it? Irrelevant. We all have our own way of dealing with these things, what works for me might not work for you. In short, I moved away to a city where I only knew one person who put me up. I got on his sofa and did my rip. No methadone, no DF's, no counselling, just did my rip. Sure the lack of sleep is the real killer but I wanted off of that shit. It's a product of the devil. 

Then I had to deal with all the problems that got me on heroin in the first place. I changed what I could change and accepted what I couldn't. Then I learnt to like myself again. I like myself too much to be a smackhead now. My life isn't so shit that I'd rather be gouching than living.

Anyway, I'm off. I'm not big on preaching advice - I've only been clean for 11 years I've got about 30 years of life left so I'm not even halfway yet. But here's some 'words of wisdom.'

You mention somewhere about average heroin dependency being 14 years. YOU ARE A PERSON NOT A STATISTIC.

Believe in yourself. If you don't then you'll fail in any attempt you make to get clean. Don't ever think you can't do it. You have to believe.

I know it's cheesy but 'one day at a time.' Don't dwell on 'how am I gonna get thru the rest of my life without smack.' Just concentrate on getting thru the rest of the day without it. Tomorrow is another day.

Finaly, and most importantly - do you really want to stop? There's a difference between wanting to and feeling like you've got to. Like because you can't afford it, but if it was free you'd keep taking it cos you enjoy it. If that's the case, stop trying to stop. It's just not your time yet, that's all. I distinctly remember from my using days actually wanting to be a smackhead. So there's nothing wrong with that.

Farewell, good luck, and keep the faith.

Sunday, 3 May 2009 - 2:40 AM BST

Name: "Richard Hill aka Brad Exford"
Home Page: http://junkiesvoice.blogspot.com/

 

You might not like what I'm about to say......

 I'd say it's just about going to be impossible to kick your habit while you're with your partner. It's too easy to trigger each other, especialy if he doesn't want to stop and he's only doing so for your sake and not his own.

Thursday, 14 May 2009 - 10:06 AM BST

Name: carverthomson
Home Page: http://www.addiction-treatments.com/substance/Heroin/in

Lots of <A href=http://www.addiction-treatments.com/substance/Heroin/index.html>heroin addiction treatments centers </A>are running in USA and these centers provide the effective and successful addiction treatment programs and services to the highly addicted people who want to get rid of their heroin addiction problem. The treatment programs and services offered by the addiction treatment centers are giving to addicts a complete and fast addiction recovery.

 

http://www.addiction-treatments.com/substance/Heroin/index.html     

Thursday, 28 January 2010 - 5:54 AM GMT

Name: "anonymous"
Home Page: http://www.treataddictionright.com/

Upon returning home from your heroin treatment, it will take some time for things to adjust. This is mainly because you are experiencing your life in its raw form. It is important to keep in mind, before you began your heroin treatment, your whole life revolved around being high on heroin. Throughout your rehabilitation phase, at Drug Addiction Treatment, you began your healing process.This process will continue as you build your new life. Relationships with friends and family will require serious work, and trust will have to be earned. However, if you are truly committed to your recovery, you can expect to rebuild relationships and regain trust.

Sunday, 9 May 2010 - 7:06 PM BST

Name: "Refindyourway"
Home Page: http://www.refindyourway.com

I see that this post is very old, but still I'd like to say that there is help. Russian medicine is much more advanced than any other since Russians were froced to invent new treatment methods due to accasive drug use. Check this website and tell me what you think: http://www.refindyourway.com/lang/en/cat/6/id/35/Drug-Addiction-Treatment.html

Sunday, 23 October 2011 - 3:30 PM BST

Name: "Cassandra"
Home Page: http://socorny.blogspot.com

I hope you're out of this situation by now but if you're still struggling feel free to e-mail me. c_quebral@yahoo.com I haven't been clean long, a few months, and it's been a struggle. I tried to get clean back in 2010 and kept relapsing. This is the first time I went to treatment, though, and it was really nice. It was the best facility in my state. I give you kudos for blogging about your situation, being honest about it for the world to see. When I was using, I wouldn't even barely get on the computer. There are a lot of holes in my blog, those are mostly the times I was using heavily.

 -Cassandra

Wednesday, 30 November 2011 - 5:09 AM GMT

Name: "Terry Merritt"
Home Page: http://www.allergyeyedrops.net/

I came across your site and I found it so interesting that I have to share it on my facebook update status since the articles here are worth reading..

Wednesday, 25 January 2012 - 5:44 PM GMT

Name: "Kel"

Hey all,

I just stumbled on this website. My brother recently died of an overdose and im a senior in college at wcsu in danbury connecticut. for my senior thesis i thought i would use the medias portrayal of heroin as my topic. I was wondering if anyone that is or has been a user could give me some insight on how you think the media might portray the addiction. I feel as if the media downplays its severity quite a bit but i would like to hear from some others. Thanks and be well.

Thursday, 17 April 2014 - 7:42 AM BST

Name: "Erik s"
Home Page: http://heroinaddiction-treatmentcenters.com

Heroin is obtained from morphine that causes liver disease, lung problem, arthritis and many other fatal diseases. People cannot reduce its cravings, because of its withdrawal pains. Heroin addiction treatment centers use natural processes that give less pain during the procedure.

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